Where's Osama

This piece on the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden reads like a spy novel:

To discover the whereabouts of the world’s most wanted man, it is best to turn to unofficial yet reliable sources, such as the professional soldiers for paramilitary corporations that attend the annual Soldier of Fortune convention in Las Vegas. The mercenaries (“mercs,” for short) know where he is since they are anxious albeit not willing to collect the $25 million bounty.

Osama bin Laden is alive and well and living in the valley of Dir within the North West Frontier Province of Pakistan. He has been there since he escaped from Tora Bora in December 2001.

To substantiate this claim, the mercs produce shabnamas or “night letters” that are circulated among the various tribes within the frontier. The night letters contain updates of Osama at work and play and photos of the al-Qaeda leader with Maulvi Sufi Mohamed, an old and revered Muslim scholar, who maintains a Taliban-style rule over the valley of Dir with public executions of adulterers, homosexuals, apostates, and Christian infidels.

The picture is a Google Earth snapshot of the town of Dir, deep in the Malakand Pass. Is Osama really hiding under a bed somewhere there? Seems like the ideal spot. Probably in an apartment building full of human shields to discourage missile strikes.