A Cheerful Missive to the Morning's Spammers

Dear All,

Thank y'all for taking the time to send me unsolicited junk mail. I only wish I had the time to reply individually and thoughtfully to all your generous offers - a larger penis, magazines, financial arrangements, dating services, mortgages and a veritable plethora of wonderful gadgets for making my life as a scientist happier and more productive.

Gosh, if only I didn't have to work, I'd be wedded, wealthy, well-hung and a wizard with biotinylated recombinant proteins. Alas, for now I'm a miserable wage slave, so please excuse my 'bulkmail reply' and lumping you together with today's spammers. I certainly don't mean to imply that your email was spam. Perish the thought. It was as welcome as summer rain over parched desert... the shy smile of a four year old girl... finding an imodium capsule for the 'backdoor trots'.

In the meantime, if you could all do one little thing for me - take me off your collective mailing lists? It's not that I'm not interested. Hell no. Its just that... well... call me a fuddy-duddy, but this electronic advertising enslaught don't fizzle my chizzle. I like a more personal touch. Tell you what - swing by the lab and we'll all head down to the bar. You can pull up some bar stools and give me the good oil in person. Over beer. Some crunchy snacks. Get to know y'all the old-fashioned way.

Till then have a lovely day. Chat amongst yourselves. I'll join you later. Promise!

Just remember, mama always says if you send too many emails you'll go blind.

Affectionately,